When I quit my job back in February, all signs indicated to me that it was the right thing to do. The scripture readings at church compelled me to trust in God to provide. My friends and family were supportive, understanding I'd been unhappy for a long time. When my notice was finally done, and I was out of there, I quickly found another job and threw my energy into that. There's a lot to be done at my house if we hope to get it on the market and sold. Much of it still undone.

I know how to work for other people. I'm not so good at working for myself.

Some people have trouble relaxing and taking time for themselves, finding time to read, etc. I MAKE time. I take doing nothing to an art form. Most people seeking balance in their lives need to find free time. I'm just the opposite. I need to take the time to get things done around the house, in my life.

I'm really bad at delaying gratification. I KNOW if I work at something I'll see the benefit of it, but I'd rather sit back down and watch tv or play on the computer, yet I'm not getting what I want, which is to be able to move forward in my life. I'm afraid I won't get what I work for. Doing nothing has been my coping mechanism. I can't be disappointed if I don't try to do anything.

It's an act of faith to put forth the effort, and maybe if I don't get back what I originally hope to gain from the effort, I'll get something equally satisfying. I'll have done something.

There's still time for me to get started.

What Have I Done?

I finally did it. I talked about it for years. I fantasized about it. Threatened to do it. Put off doing it. I quit my job. A job I've been uncomfortable with, that gave me high blood pressure, aggravated my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, invaded my dreams, disrupted my sleep, overall just made me plain miserable.

It's been a surreal experience. Every Monday, I've been glad I didn't have to be there. Week by week, I've been able to let go a bit at a time. Every morning I've prayed to be able to do so. I've suffered what can only be called PTSD at the thought of walking back into that building, although I've done it once. I had to really psyche myself up to do it. But it's done.

Now what?

I've applied to grad school. I'm going to get my Master of Library and Information Science Degree. It'll take about two years of online coursework. Right now the thought of any kind of office job horrifies me, but I think a job in a library would allow a lot more interaction than my old job did.

Presently, I'm waiting tables and trying to get my house cleaned out and on the market. Where exactly we're going, we don't know. I'm scared. But I need to move forward. I've fallen into a lot of things in my life, just let things happen to me. I know I can't control everything, but I want to make better decisions in the future based on what I want and what I'm suited for and what will make my husband and me happiest.

Right now it's all about doing what needs to be done and then seeing what our options are and being patient and trusting in God when we've done all we can.
That's all it's ever been about.

Why I do not like Christmas

I haven't always disliked Christmas. As a kid, I loved it. I couldn't sleep and would get up long before dawn to plunder my Christmas stocking. And I was always excited to open my gifts when my mother and my older brother finally got up. But in adulthood the holiday has lost its sparkle.

When my husband and I were dating and then later when we were married, it always involved the tug and pull of at least 3 different families. Fortunately, for the first couple of years of my marriage we avoided my parents since they made it clear they disapproved of my husband. We avoided them altogether at Thanksgiving and spent as little time as could be politely managed on Christmas Eve. Then on Christmas day it was the mad dash to my in-laws (if not later on Christmas Eve) and then the caravan to my father-in-law's sister's house. It's not that I didn't enjoy spending time with family (other than mine) but it was the pressure to do it ALL that I didn't like! I know others feel this way too, but it's almost taboo to say so.

Add to the pressure to be everywhere, the pressure to spend, spend, spend. The last couple of years we've scaled back our giving considerably. We've decided that rather than buy our friends and family something we're not sure they need or want, we'd spend our money on a charity and then buy our friends and family a little gift to open with a card from the charity. It became a fun challenge to find a unique gift for each person (or couple) keeping within a strict budget of $5.00-$10.00. This has worked pretty well to keep down the stress of Christmas shopping and we hope has helped people truly in need.

All in all, I've found Christmas to be a huge letdown over the years. And all the hubbub about keeping Christ in Christmas is just a bunch of sound and fury signifying nothing. I'm a pretty faithful Christian, and it's pretty evident to me that Christmas as we know it and celebrate it has very little to do with Christ and his teachings; if it did, we'd be serving in soup kitchens, delivering supplies and food to the needy, and visiting the elderly in nursing homes rather than over-indulging ourselves and our children on Christmas. That would be recognizing the significance of the Incarnation. That would be putting Christ back in Christmas.

I Can Only Speak for Myself

To say I've grown weary of politics is an understatement. Despite whatever I believe about the current administration and its policy decisions and agenda, no matter what corroborating evidence I can come up with, there's too much vitriolic opposition out there. I won't say I'm in full retreat and have given up, but frankly my energies need focusing on my own personal life and situations at the moment. However, some observations about our country and our culture at large inform my current focus.

I think there's way too much emphasis in this country on what we have and on spending money. In my middle age, I'm looking toward retirement and old age. What are my plans? What is essential to quality of life? Food, shelter, health, reasonable security. I don't plan to be rich and retire to the islands. I have family, friends, church and other community--these are proven to improve quality of life--I don't want to pull up stakes and leave these, I want to live more fully into them.

I'd prefer to spend less and save more while meeting my daily, monthly, yearly needs. Do I need more stuff than my house can hold? I want to focus on quality. Perhaps it's my Yankee roots, but I hate paying retail. It's so grossly inflated and you are paying for the store's overhead--far better to buy second-hand, recycle, reuse, repurpose. I don't care what the label says or what everyone else is wearing for the most part. I've learned that true class has nothing to do with such things. What about creativity? What about gratitude for the things I do have?

Got some major life changes ahead, not the least of which is a move in the near future. We will be deciding what to take and what to leave behind on every level. I'm scared, but I'm also excited.

Diana

Clearly I suck at drawings.

I won't be doing one again any time soon. However! 50sgal has won the vintage dress giveaway! I know where to find her and I'll send her a message on her forum, but no it wasn't rigged! It was a legit random drawing!

Tune back in, I'll try to have a new post up sometime this week. Lots rolling around in my head lately.

Diana

Fitness Challenge

Here's what I've been doing for the last month, among other things.

http://wsav.upickem.net/engine/Details.aspx?p=A&c=20892&s=4941823&i=1#SD

Time has gotten away from me.

I can't believe how long it's been since I've posted anything here. Life has been very hectic. I've been participating in a fitness challenge that requires me to participate in a fitness bootcamp 3 mornings a week and that leaves me exhausted for the rest of the day. One of our chickens was mauled by a possum about a month ago, and we've been trying to nurse her back to health. She's stopped putting weight on one of her legs and she can't live in the coop with the rest of the chickens and so has been living in my husband's study. She went to the vet today and we're to keep doing what we've been doing and also give her some antibiotics and see if she doesn't start to perk up some. The goodnews is that she doesn't have so much nerve damage that she can't come back from it.

We're also still hoping to get our house on the market, so any spare time we have we are trying to get the house cleaned up, packed up, and a few cosmetic things fixed up. And on top of that we have to work our jobs.

I have not heard back from the winner of my drawing so I think I will draw again and announce a new winner. Stay tuned!

Diana